The Tool of Self-Compassion

Our ultra-competitive culture tells us that we should be the best and be above average at all costs. We must be more successful, more attractive, and more intelligent than we are. Often times in light of this we crack the whip on ourselves and push ourselves so hard to achieve the next best thing, all the while growing more and more full of self-loathing and hatred that we don't measure up. I am very familiar with the soldier mentality of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps and just keep going" and it has not served me well in my relationship with myself. As I have gotten older I have realized that the most important relationship above all else is the relationship that I have with myself. It may sound a little weird or even selfish in stating but research findings show that those who have a healthy and self-compassionate relationship with themselves in turn have more fulfilled and healthy relationships with others. So what is self-compassion and how do we get it?

Self-compassion involves being kind and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel that we don't measure up, rather than ignoring our pain or reaming ourselves with self-criticism.  Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life does not measure up to our ideals. As people we cannot always be or get exactly what we want. When this reality is denied or fought against suffering increases in the form of stress, frustration and self-criticism.  When this reality is accepted and met with sympathy and kindness, greater emotional calmness is experienced.

Since understanding the importance of self-compassion, I have made it a daily practice to do an internal self-compassion check in. How am I relating to and treating myself? If it's with self-compassion and grace then great lets keep moving forward but if it's not then I do some internal tweaking and adjusting of how I am relating to myself. Individuals who are compassionate toward themselves in their failings and shortcomings experience greater well-being than those who repeatedly judge themselves. It's vitally important to give yourself the same compassion and care that you would give your child or your close friend. Start practicing a daily self-compassion check in and watch you relationship with yourself grow and flourish to new levels!