The Wall

The Wall: An Excerpt from my Recovery Diary

The last two weeks have been very hard; however, despite the struggle it has still been very successful. Struggle should not equal shame or defeat! Struggle by definition is “to make a forceful or violent effort to get free of restraint or constriction.” I use to view struggle as a bad thing but after reframing it, I see it as a good thing and something that can produce freedom and strength if one does not give up. I can always look at my struggles and learn more from them than anything else in my life thus struggles are not a bad place to be but a good place, one in which we can grow out of if we so choose. In the midst of these struggles I have really turned things around in my recovery recently (with my amazing treatment teams support of course) and it feels very empowering! I am still struggling immensely with body image, PTSD, anxiety, depression and the fact that I have to eat so much but I am willing to do whatever it takes to get on the other side of this huge wall that I feel I am staring at. Even if that means chipping away at it brick by brick. I know that backing away from the wall will lead me nowhere good and back to the same tape playing out over and over again as before, the eating disorder NEVER has a new ending. The eating disorder wants me to think, “oh well you can just restrict a little and it will be fine, you can keep it under control this time,” but I have to stop and use my voice and say “NO” because I know where it leads every single time and it’s down a path that I never want to go down again. The eating disorder promises me that I will be happier at a lower weight and that I will feel better when I control the amount I eat, don’t eat and/or move, but true reality is that it still leaves me empty, deeply depressed and quite hopeless no matter what weight I get to or how much I move. The eating disorder is a black hole, a bottomless pit that never has an ending until it takes one’s life. The real truth is that only way out is through! There are no shortcuts and there is no playing with fire, because I will get burned. I will stand no matter what until one day I feel the strength, courage and power to finally push the wall down and move beyond it on to whatever is on the other side. It’s so very scary but it has to be better than living stuck in the hell of an eating disorder. I am starting to hope and dream again and that feels so refreshing to my dry and weary soul. I cannot wait until I feel like I want to recover because that time may never come, now is the time! Opposite action is my best friend at the present moment. I will have to do the hard things over and over and over and wait for my mind and emotions to catch up later. The more I do it, the easier it should get, or so my team tells me. How do you heal from over 20 years with an eating disorder? It seems near impossible honestly, but I know deep down it isn’t as I have seen other chronic eating disorder cases come back from such a deficit. To the depth one struggles and overcomes is to the depth they can truly help others reach the same place of healing and hope. There is so much on the other side of the wall! Don’t turn around now!

This was an excerpt from my recovery journal when I was in the thick of my own recovery I wanted to share and be candid in hopes of helping others who are in the heat of the battle. Healing from an eating disorder is so challenging and likely one of the hardest things you will ever do. Struggles are an inevitable part of life and recovery. I used to think of the verb struggle in a negative light. But now I know that to struggle means to fight against, we are taking back our lives not giving them up when we allow ourselves to productively struggle. I wonder what would happen if we viewed ourself differently when we struggle, what if we showed self-compassion and let it teach us something in the midst of it? Instead of being critical of ourselves for having a struggle in the first place, which would in turn lead us backwards in our recovery process.